Thursday, April 17, 2014

The population of this country is 237 million.


Applied Mathmatics:





104 million are retired.



That leaves 133 million to do the work.





There are 85 million in school,



which leave 48 million to do the work.





Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.



This leaves 19 million to do the work.





4 million are in the Armed Forces,



which leaves 15 million to do the work.





Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.





There are 188,000 in hospitals,



so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.





Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.





That leaves Just two people to do the work.



You and me.



And you’re just sitting there reading jokes all day!


What a touching story!!!




There was a mosquito and a dog who loved each other a lot.





One day the mosquito got excited and gave a love bite to the dog.





The dog became emotional and returned the love bite to the mosquito.





The next day…



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Mosquito died of rabies and dog died of malaria…





What a touching story!!!


I want toilet paper




Banta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths’s (Ubiquitious grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.





The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.





He asks Santa to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.





Next week Banta finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids.





He asks Santa to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Banta goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.





Next week Banta comes to Woolworth’s with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Banta: “What the….! This is shit you…!” and Banta calmly replies: “Yes, and I want toilet paper”.


Mathmatical Joke:




A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said, it was his mission.





He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”





In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”





Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.





And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”





Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.





He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”


Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Mathmatical Joke:




A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said, it was his mission.





He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”





In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”





Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.





And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”





Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.





He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”


Monday, April 14, 2014

Sardar jokes


Sardar to his servant: Go and water the plants.



Servant: It's already raining.



Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.









Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever -



What will come first, Chicken or egg?



O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first.









A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match.. All were busy writing except one Sardarji.



He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"









Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet



Sardar: - why did U come so far. Instead U could Have posted it....









A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.



Judge asked: How'll U divide your kids, U"VE 3 children?



Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR









Sardar's wish: when I die, I wana die like my Grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not Screaming like all d passengers in d car he was Driving..









A Teacher lecturing on population:



"In Indi a after every 10 secs a women gives birth to a kid. "



A Sardar stands up- "We must find & stop her!. "









A man: "Sardarji, tell me, why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in the evening not in the morning?"



Sardarji: ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.









Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.



The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.



Sardarji goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last Words.



And finds It means "U R STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!"









Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed.



His wife asked what you are doing.



He said-I am seeing how I look while sleeping.









Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?



Guess what...



To avoid side effects!!!









Man: Sardarji where were U born?



Sardarji: Punjab .



Man: Which part?



Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body Is born in Punjab Yaar".









Lawyer to Sardar: "Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho ke....... "



Sardar :"Yeh kya, sita pe haath lagaya to court mein Bulaya. Ab fir gita pe haath!!"









A Sardar saw a beautiful girl... He went and kissed her....



Girl said- "What R U doing...?"



Sardar replied- " B.COM from Khalsa college, Chandigar"









Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing Me.



I don't know how she got my no, she interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card"









A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a Sardarni painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.



She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For Best Results put on Two Coats"









A sardar was drawing money from ATM,



The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). "



The first sardar replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258"









Q:) How do U recognize a sardar in school or College???



A:) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard.. . BOLO tarara!!









Q:) Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale?



A:) Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept....... .









Santa Singh MBBS



After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his Own practice..



He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch.



Finally he said Battery is Ok !!!


Banta Singh's Letter to Bill Gates


Dear Mr. Bill Gates,





This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.





1. After connecting to Internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.





2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.







3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.





4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.





5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.





6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??





7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.





8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur money.





9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide that?


Singh is King


Interviewer:



what is your birth date?



Sardar: 13th October



Which year?



Sardar: Oye ullu ke pathe _ _ _ EVERY YEAR







Manager asked to sardar at an interview.



Can you spell a word that has more than 15 letters in it?



Sardar replied: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.







After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,



Do I look like a foreigner?



Wife: No! Why?



Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?







One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village???



Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!







Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi



So Sardar writes, 'Gandhi was a great man, but I don't know who is



Jayanthi.







When sardar was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted mirror. Sardar shouted, 'You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will drive.







Interviewer: just imagine you are in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?



Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!


Tired of lunch


A Gujrati, a Madrasi and a Sardaar were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.





They were having lunch and Gujju opened his lunch box & said, "Dhokla! If I get dhokla one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."





The Madrasi opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Idli Sambhar again! IfI get idli sambhar one more time I'm going to jump off too."





The Sardaar opened his lunch and said, "Parontha again! If I get aparontha one more time, I'm jumping too."





The next day, the Gujju opened his lunch box, saw dhokla, and jumped to his death.



The Madrasi opened his lunch, saw idli sambhar, and jumped, too.





The Sardaar opened his lunch, saw the parontha and jumped to his death as well.



At the funeral, Gujju's wife was weeping.. She said, "If I'd knownhow really tired he was of dhokla, I never would have given it to himagain!"





The Madrasi's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him dossa!I didn't realize he hated idli sambhar so much."





Everyone turned and stared at the Sardaar's wife.





Scroll down for her answer



.....



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....



The Sardaar's wife said,



"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."


Sardarji and Psychatrist


Sardarji: Ever since I was a child, I have always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'





Doctor: 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'







'How much do you charge?'





'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.





'I'll sleep on it,' sardarji said.





Six months later the doctor met him on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.





'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'





'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'





'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now! ! !


Sardar at bar in New York.


Man on his right says "Johny Walker single"



Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"



Sardar says - "Baljith Singh Married"



***********************************************





Boss : am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it o.k



Sardar : U R great sir! Starting salary is o.k.......but??



how much is DRIVING salary...?



***********************************************





Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at



night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light



is not needed!!!



***********************************************





2 sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the



other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says



YES...NO...YES...NO...YES...NO...



***********************************************



Sardar shouting 2 his girl friend " u said v will do register marriage



and cheated me, I was waiting 4 u yesterday whole day in the post



office....



****************************** *****************





Sardar is in a dissection class of cockroach. He cuts its 1 leg, and



says, "chal", it walks.



He cuts 2nd and 3rd legs and said, "chal" , it walks.



He cuts all the legs and said, "chal...." Finally he wrote the conclusion......



....... "after all the legs of a cockroach are cut - it becomes deaf......"



***********************************************





A Tamilian call up sardar and asks " tamil therima??"



Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"



***********************************************





2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.



Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.



Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....



***********************************************





A sardar on an interview 4 da post detective.



Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?



Sardar : Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating.......



***********************************************





A sardar for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the



exam the essay which came was 'FATHER' . he replaced friend with father



in the essay and>it read: AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS,



SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE



FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.



***********************************************





Interviewer: what s ur qualification?



Sardarji : Sir I am Ph.d.



Interviewer : what do u mean by Ph.d?



Sardarji : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY....



***********************************************





Amitab : In which state Cauvery flows?



Sardar : liquid state.....



Audience clapped.. Amitab stunned, looks behind, ALL WERE SARDARS.......


Sunday, April 13, 2014

Sardar Joke


Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.



Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".



Sardar thinks "how poetic"



Sardar says, "pass the custard you bastard".



***********************************************





Boss : am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it o.k



Sardar : U R great sir! Starting salary is o.k.......but??



how much is DRIVING salary...?



***********************************************





Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light is not needed!!!



***********************************************





Sardar shouting 2 his girl friend " u said v will do register marriage and cheated me, I was waiting 4 u yesterday whole day in the post office....



***********************************************





A Tamilian call up sardar and asks " tamil therima??"



Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"



***********************************************





2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.



Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.



Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....



***********************************************





A sardar for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the exam the essay which came was 'FATHER' . he replaced friend with father in the essay and>it read: AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS, SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.



***********************************************





Interviewar: what s ur qualification?



Sardarji : Sir I am Ph.d.



Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?



Sardarji : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY....



***********************************************





Amitabh : In which state Cauvery flows?



Sardar : liquid state.....



Audience clapped.. Amitabh stunned, looks behind, ALL WERE SARDARS.......


Ashamed of Wife Joke

I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total bollocks" I replied, by text, from across the road.

Hospital Call Joke

A guy calls the hospital and says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor! "The nurse says," Calm down. Is this her first child? "To which he replies," No! This is her fucking husband! "

Confessional Box Joke

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

Otherwise a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.

He hears a priest come in. "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. Your on my side! "

Track Team Steroids Joke

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The teams performance soars. They win the county, state and eventually national championship. A few days before the international grand finals, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest. "" What? "the coach says in a panic," How far down does it go? " Penelope replies, "Down to my testicles. Thats something else I want to talk to you about. "

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Screwed Wife Joke

A man walks into a crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling "Who's been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don't have enough ammo, mate!"

Man From Gosham Limerick

There was an old man from Gosham,
who took out his balls to wash ' em,
his wife said "Jack!,
if you don't put ' em back,
I'll stand on the fuckers and squash ' em! "

The Reasons Facebook Sucks

All Facebook posts can essentially be slotted into one of the following uninspiring and unfortunate categories...

I Have Offspring Posts

Congratulations, your the parent of the 7 billionth person on this planet! The wasteland of baby pictures ranging from mediocre to disappointing of animal-like devolved offspring are compelling arguments for mass sterilization. The first few do nicely, yes a child has been born... it's the incessant months and years of daily follow-up photos that leave you wanting to bludgeon your eyes out with a pair of corn on the cob holders.

The Unsuccessful Motivator Posts

People regurgitating a plethora of cringe inducing quotes, motivational pictures, inspirational phrases, and "you can do it, if you change" slogans makes even the calmest of us want to hurl our computers across the room with incoherent rage. Usually these posts originate from the people that need their own quotes the most.

Look At me Posts

I'm so fun and sexy, wow look at ME!!!!!! One duck face, mirror shot, sitting in restaurant with heaping plate of non-human grade food in front of them, jump in the air on the beach picture after another. These heavily biased photos feature in every possible camera angle the 6 days out of 365 the person isn't languishing in front of a screen deteriorating into a pile of shit watching Seinfeld reruns. ME!!!!!

My Opinions Are Fact Posts

Your petty self interest narrow minded opinions on matters you have no exposure to facts or evidence on, are disgusting and nobody is interested. We don't care about your phone manufacturer preference, presidential candidate views or commentary of government policy. You are most likely stunningly wrong on all those "facts" you've gathered from the Internet, talk shows and uninformed friends. Wire shut that spewing volcano of conjecture – we don't give a fuck what you think about ANYTHING!

Squandered Life Posts

The latest exploits of overweight, unkempt and unmotivated 30 and 40 something housewives playing Farmville. Firsthand accounts of their countless hours growing virtual crops on their make believe farms. Missing is the pathetic rundown on their real world efforts at cooking real food for their real children, Kraft Dinner again eh?

Granular Detail Posts

"At Starcocks drinking the new Moca Ice Fuckachino.", "My little Bobby just pissed in the toilet for the first time on his own.", "All finished breast feeding at TGI Friday's.", "This line up is too long, I'm so bored.", "These extra zesty chips are so ' yum '", "Taking break from gardening, maybe I'm not such a green thumb after all LOL."

Marketing Army Posts

All that combined human effort Facebook users expend to let each other know which corporate brands they identify with the most, must surely be a sign the day of reckoning is fast approaching. Yes, link to Dots so we can get one more ad shoe-horned into that news stream courtesy of a fellow user. Facebook users love doing the marketing leg work for companies, as they seem infinitely more motivated about letting everyone know they ' Like ' Popchips and Lady Gaga than visiting their dying grandfather in the hospital for his last gasp of air.

OK – Your Married, We Get It Posts

You were married 2 fucking years ago, TWO YEARS. The distribution of evidence thereof is no longer necessary; we are all looking at the sight of them now. One more picture of one shoveling that wedding cake into the others gullet and I'll flex test my screen until it shatters into a trillion anger felt pieces showing the universe.

And there you have it folks... The Facebook ecosystem in a nut shell.

Gynecologist Scare Joke

Q. How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

A. By becoming a ventriloquist!

Sorry, I could not read the content fromt this page.

She Won't Put Out and I am Getting Bored

Melvin, 25 from Louisiana writes...

My girl won't put out, I know she's younger by about 6 years but she's just frigid. It's not much fun doing same thing each time we in the sack. I be on top every time, she won't take it in the mouth and every time I suggest something different she goes quiet. Help doc, she is fine hot until you get her in bed.

Dr Thatslife has this to say....

You need to ask yourself, "Is this girl prude, boring or a rookie?"

Being a prude means she's unwilling to partake in what she believes is beneath or unfitting of her. This personality gets old hat real fast because they're usually selectively prudish about things that involve effort or sacrifice on their part, and has little to do with etiquette or standards.

Bores are exactly that, she will just lay there in the starfish formation, emitting the occasional groan to indicate the existence of life, while the guy does all the heavy lifting. Getting her to suck cum out of your dick like a thick shake straw is out of the question. Reciprocal affection and pleasing is not their specialty.

Finally, the most promising and possibly the most applicable of the three... Being a rookie really boils down to lack of experience, not quiet knowing what you want or how to do things and a general feeling of self-consciousness. Hence the lost looks when you hint for her to rim your asshole while playing with your balls.

Which one can you slot your girl into? Don't jump to conclusions, it isn't always obvious. The first two are character traits, being a rookie is only an experience issue. By you telling me she just goes quiet and by how old she is, I'm guessing she's a rookie. Guys often make the mistake of assuming hot looks equals hot in the sack, which often fails to materialize.

So while your in the sack with her thinking to yourself "This girls more awkward than a motel ironing board", keep in mind she's thinking, "I'm miles away from anything resembling my comfort zone".

You seem to have forgotten it wasn't too long ago when YOU would have been fumbling around desperately trying to undo bra clasps and rubbing clits with the finesse of a dump truck on ice. Give this girl a fucking break Melvin, you need more patience and a guiding hand to graduate her from rookie to all-star.

Change how you approach this whole thing. I can tell from the tone of your writing, your pushing too hard and offering too little. More tact is needed...

Firstly, both of you should be more verbally communicative about what you both like in the sack, instead of you just trying to bludgeon her face with your hog each time. By asking her what she likes, you show empathy to her needs, and by letting her know what turns your crank, you've expressed how she holds the ability to titillate and satisfy you. Your efforts to learn what she likes, will not go unappreciated.

Secondly, you've probably offered her too little, both emotionally and physically. Make her feel sexy Melvin, spend more time working her up and getting her into the mood. Don't just dive in and start fondling her goodies and swinging your dick around, caress the little lady. She will be much more inclined to swallow your loads if you've done a decent job of polished her floorboards, get it?

Finally, youre probably being too heavy handed. Take it slower with smaller increments and alleviate some of her tension. The fact is, she's giving out, just not the things your wanting. Give her reasons, confidence and desire to upgrade to the next level. As she acclimatizes, her willingness to open up, reciprocate and experiment more will blossom.

Thats life Melvin.

Life Advice by Dr Thatslife

Ireland Declares War on France

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.


"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringin' to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"


"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"


Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."


"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."


Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.


"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"


"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asks.


"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."


Chirac sighs, amused; "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."


"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."


Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.


"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"


Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last! spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"


"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."


Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.


"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."


"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"


"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."

Friday, April 11, 2014

Putting the Fun in Funeral

My dad recently died, and the whole family gathered for a memorial service, which concentrated on my dad's great sense of humor. After all the friends and extended family had gone home, my brothers and sister gathered at our mom's place, and one of our tasks was to go through dad's things.


My mom pulled out a gorgeous wool coat dad had bought on a trip to Ireland, and my oldest brother, Curt, tried it on -- but couldn't button the front.


My second-oldest brother, Brian, observing it was too small to be buttoned, pointed out Curt's stomach and said "The coat's not the problem." That got a laugh from the family.


Curt, wanting to one-up the comment, said "Brian's mouth is the problem!"


Kit, my wife, was taking this all in too, and quickly retorted to Curt, "It's your mouth that's the problem!"


I just about sprayed my coffee throughout the room. Brian was impressed by by my wife's quick wit, Curt was speechless, and my sister almost fell on the floor laughing.


See why I married Kit?

Program for the Elderly

(One of those items that has been "going around" for some time....)


Someone who teaches at a middle school in Safety Harbor, FL forwarded the following letter. It was sent to the principal's office after the school sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to thank them:


---


Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.


God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine and I told her to screw off. Thank you for that opportunity.


Sincerely,
Edna Waters


 

Poorly Translated Subtitles

This is supposedly a list of actual English subtitles used on films made in Hong Kong:


1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.


2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.


3. Gun wounds again?


4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.


5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.


6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!


7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.


8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?


9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.


10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.


11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!


12. You daring lousy guy.


13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!


14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.


15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!


16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.


17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?


18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?


19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.


20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.


21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

A Difference between Men and Women

On Friendship between women:


A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.


The man called his wife's 10 best friends.


None of them knew about it.


On Friendship between men:


A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.


The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.


Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over. And two claimed that he was still there!

Suggested Rejections for Common Pick-Up Lines

Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.


Man: I'd like to call you. What is your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: Theatres in the phone book too.


Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: Female impersonator.


Man: So, want to go back to my place?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?


Man: I'd really like to get into your pants.
Woman: No thanks. Theres already one ass in there.


Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet.


Man: Hey, come on, we are both here at this bar for the same reason!
Woman: yes! To pick up some chicks!


and...


Man: "Hi, I'm a millionaire!"
Woman: "Hi, I work for the IRS."

Dating in 1959

It's the summer of 1959 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.


When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"


He does, and Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.


Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.


Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it. "


Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he stammers "Really?"


"Sure," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she would screw all night if we let her! "


Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.


Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.


About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:


"Dammit, Mom! Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist! "

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Who Wants to be a Millionaire -- Marriage Edition

A husband and wife are watching T.V. in bed -- "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" is on.


The husband turns to the wife and says, "Do you want to have sex?"


"Nope." the wife says, not even looking up.


The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"


"That's my final answer," she agrees.


He says, "Then I'd like to phone a friend...."


 

Insults, Taunts and Rebukes

Particularly literate people have a way of delivering rebukes and insults. In fact, they do it a lot better than you do.


---


"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults."--Louis Nizer


"I feel so miserable without you. It's almost like having you here. "--Stephen Bishop


"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."--John Bright


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."--Winston Churchill


"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."--Winston Churchill


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. "--Irvin S. Cobb


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."--Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."--William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)


"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? --Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)


"He had delusions of adequacy."--Walter Kerr


"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."--Abraham Lincoln


"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it."--Groucho Marx


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. "--Groucho Marx


"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."--Robert Redford


"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."--Forrest Tucker


"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."--Mae West


"She is a peacock in everything but beauty."--Oscar Wilde


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. "--Oscar Wilde


"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."--Oscar Wilde


and...


"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."--Billy Wilder

Posted April 7, 2014 8: 00 AM


«No, Not That One--The Other One | Home | Random | Dating in 1959»

No, Not That One--The Other One

When my buddy Dave (no, not that Dave, nor the other one. It was one of my other buddies named Dave) sent me this, he headed it:


"Jackson Joke"


In the first line of the message, he had added:


"No, the other one."


Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the reverend if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy."


So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."


"No," says Jackson, "that would be an accident."


A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."


"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."


The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? "


Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."


"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy? "


"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it definitely wouldn't be an accident, either."

Generation Gap

What a Difference a Generation Makes...


1970s: Long Hair
2000s: Longing for hair


1970s: The perfect high
2000s: The perfect high yield mutual fund


1970s: Keg
2000s: EKG


1970s: Acid Rock
2000s: Acid Reflux


1970s: Moving to California because it's cool
2000s: Moving to California because it's warm


1970s: Growing pot
2000s: Growing pot belly


1970s: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
2000s: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children


1970s: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
2000s: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor


1970s: Seeds and stems
2000s: Roughage


1970s: Our president's struggle with Fidel
2000s: Our (former) president's struggle with fidelity


1970s: Paar
2000s: AARP


1970s: Killer weed
2000s: Weed killer


1970s: Hoping for a BMW
2000s: Hoping for a BM


1970s: The Grateful Dead
2000s: Dr. Kevorkian


1970s: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000s: Getting a new hip joint


1970s: Rolling Stones
2000s: Kidney stones


1970s: Being called into the principal's office
2000s: Calling the principal's office


1970s: Screw the system!
2000s: Upgrade the system


1970s: Peace sign
2000s: Mercedes logo


1970s: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000s: Children begging you to get their heads shaved


1970s: Passing the driver's test
2000s: Passing the vision test


1970s: Whatever
2000s: Depends

Questions to Ponder

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?


If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?


Is there another word for synonym?


Isn't a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?


When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?


Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?


What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?


Is it possible to be totally partial?


What's another word for thesaurus?


When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?


Why is the word abbreviation so long?


When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?


Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?


Why are there interstate freeways in Hawaii?


Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?


How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?


Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?


Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Advanced Pain Control

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.


He asked if they were willing to try it out, and they were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go head and kick it up a notch.


Surprised, the doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.


The husband was still feeling fine.


The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.


At this point they decided to try for 50%.


The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.


The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.


But when they got home, the mailman was lying dead on the porch.

 

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